Reference of Soul（3）

Reference of Soul（3）

When it was extremely harsh, I goaded myself, “just sacrifice for literature like this. I have to be a good writer. If I fail and can not survive, I will go home to do agriculture with my wife. I was the son of peasants. I do not lose something if I work as a peasant. (To try my best, to date, I still keep the residence of my wife in village and keep some arable. I would choose literature rather than going home to do agriculture.)

But, god did not give my inspiring because of my sincerity. Because I gave up the style I was familiar with, I could not write an article any more. Because I had new opinions about literature, I did not have satisfying materials. Friends left me one by one. Then can not bear my talking about literature as Xianglin Sister-in-law talked about Amao. There were lots of sighs in my hometown too, because I did not write any good stuff. Because I did not have time to keep a good relationship with my head, I was punished to relocate randomly, like a dog running around without home. Darkness is all around, and I could not see any hope and opportunity, and often wandered in street of darkness, crying crazily, and always wanted to stab my heart by knife. That year, a literature friend, called Chen Lanyun, jumped into Yellow River. She, same as me, was trapped in the embarrassing situation of soul, and could not help herself.

One day, I saw Break Mount to Save Mom. That Chenxiang who acted as the enemy with heaven gods wandered around without opportunity. I felt I seemed him very much. A son of peasants in poor village had not relatives in the city, and wanted to enter the literature realm. The difficulty is not as less as Chenxiang fighted again Elang god. Remember, someone told Chenxiang that he had to have love and wisdom to win heaven gods. For me, I also depended on these two things to go throughout China from a lonely village.

To get rid of broken desire, to get rid of annoying in heart, and to achieve the wisdom I hoped to have, I did zen meditation everyday, and required myself as an ascetic. To avoid affecting my thinking after eating food, I never ate after noon, and insisted to refrain from smoke—I was afraid that I would die due to smoke before I became a professional writer. At the spare time of zen meditation, I concentrated on practice of writing day and night.